Monday, June 8, 2009

I'm desperate for you.

Sunday during church I had a mini break down. I sit there and that's all I'm doing. I go through the motions....I'm suppose to go to church but my heart isn't there. My heart hasn't been anywhere in a long time. It's early church and it's the praise and worship service we do once a month. This guy Ben sings...I listen and I just want to cry. I feel the tears on my face. We go to prayer and I wipe my eyes and face and hope no one sees me but I can't get the words out of my head.....

This is the air I breatheThis is the air I breatheYour holy presence living in meThis is my daily breadThis is my daily breadYour very word spoken to meAnd I I'm desperate for youAnd I I'm I'm lost without youThis is the air I breatheThis is the air I breatheYour holy presence living in meThis is my daily breadthis is my daily breadyour very word spoken to meAnd I'm, I'm desperate for youAnd I'm, I'm lost without youAnd I'm desperate for youAnd I'm, I'm lost without you.I'm lost without you.I'm lost without you.I'm desperate for you.(Cry out to live)I'm desperate for you..I'm lost, I'm lost, I'm lost without you..I'm lost without youI'm desperate for you.

(Micheal W. Smith Song)

After church we stay for me to talk to Bro. Sam. I'm honest with him. I can't stand the pain. I can't stand how Patt has gone on with his life and he's living, happy, having fun. I can't stand that I cry. I can't stand how I feel so far away from God. I'm bitter. Mean. I fight with my husband. I don't want to go anywhere I just sit at home. I cry when I see someone pregnant and wonder why can't it be me. My dr wants to run test I don't because of fear. I'm still mad and feel bad that it's been a year this just a short time a year. I'm so mad that I was pregnant this time last year and I want my baby. I just let it ALL out. He listens and prays and let's me know I have to do this in my own time. He doesn't think I've been allowed to grieve because everyone thinks I need to move on and I need to face it. He lets me know that no matter how far away I feel from God, that God is NEVER far from me. That God understands.

I really do want to live again. I'm so tired of being sad and depressed. I don't want to be depressed anymore but I think if I move on than I'm letting go of my baby that I miss. It's wierd and hard to explain. I just want to be me again and I am desperate for God. I want to be close to Him again. I don't want to be angry anymore. And as I've been typing this I realize that once again, God talks to me in the place He's always talked to me....through music.



Amy said...

ahh this is where you are. Glad I've found you :-)

Pia said...

dawn, there are a lot of things that happened in our lives that we can't understand. one of them is losing a baby. i know your pain because i lost two. i'm not saying that i went through deeper hell than you. what i'm saying is, up until now i still couldn't understand why it happened. i have so many why questions in my head. but i constantly tell myself (everyday!) that i'm choosing to trust God, His ways and His timing. i wrote something in my blog to encourage my readers. if you have time, come drop by my thankful thursday post. i hope you will be encouraged. God loves you dawn even if sometimes you feel like He doesn't. (((HUGS)))

Laurie Ann said...

It's time to move past that fear, get the testing done, and consider your options, Dawn. Tough talk but it's time, honey. I experienced every one of those emotions and it's normal. But it's time to begin living again. It's time to put the ummph back into your marriage and to not let the fear defeat you. It's time to stop fighting, to move from bitterness to melancholy and acceptance, and time to tear down those walls and rebuild good ones, my friend! It's time.

gail@more than a song said...

Like your new place!

Sorry you're still feeling bad, it is hard. We lost a baby and it took me longer than hubby or at least I felt that but we didn't discuss it a lot. Time does help. That's good you talked to someone, I hope you get to where you can look forward again soon!
My mil gave me a little brass angel to remember the baby by, I kept it out where I could see it for the longest time, now I hang it on the christmas tree; I might be the only one that knows the significance of it!

Deb said...

First visit to your blog.

So sorry that you're hurting.

I prayed for you.